krissygirl_duh

i walk in the door

my mom says "whats wrong?! it looks liek you just lost your best friend"

my eyes swell with tears while i reply "thats exactly what just happened"

he came over today to say goodbye.
and now i feel numb and confused.

hes the person to call when my car breaks.
hes the person to call when my heart breaks.

weve been through so much.
and my relationship with him for the past two years have been nothing but a gigantic roller coaster filled with love, and fights, alcohol, dates, cars, phonecalls, jealous, forgivness, everything.

and now hes finally leaving
and i dont know what to do.
ill admit we dont hang out as much as we should anymore, but still. i felt okay just knowing he was there, and if i needed anything at all, he would be here within minutes.

i dono.
this is no fun.
and i hate every second thats to come for the next few days.

i am ashamed of the life i live.
i am a liar, and i am irresponsible.
i know i need to change things,
i dont know if i really want to though.

a self detox is taking place as i type this.
a different type of toxin is invaiding my body and soul, and its one i wish to rid of as soon as i can. you dont buy this sort of poison from a junkie on the street, and you cant create it. it just finds you. and if you are smart you'll leave it alone and move on with your life; but if you are like me, you will be naive and think youve found something magical and amazing, not knowing that it will slowly pull you into a downward spiral, while feeding you illusions of happiness and loyalty and support. and sometimes you will cling to it and become dependent, almost as if it is blending you into one. and then this leaves you in too deep, and makes the strugle to get out overwhelming and difficult.

this toxin is not a drug. its the people that i have surrounded myself for the past years.

and now im breaking free.
or at least trying to.

i am in love with the thought of being in love. and in all of my eightteen years i have not found it, and lately i have been become anxious with anticipation upon its arrival. i feel like an outsider in the world of teenage love and infactuation. i know i often say that relationships are nothing but a waste of time, and i dont want to be held down by one, and i am honest and sincer when i say this, but there is another side of me screaming out in tribulation and perplexity, wishing i was, and wondernig why cant i be,that one girl who he cant live without.
i know it is every little girls dream for her one true love to come wisk her away into the night while he takes her away from all of her troubles and just leave the past behind, and start a new future, together. and i know that eventually the little girls will blossom into women, and some of them will end up in a tralior somewhere, wearing shortie shorts and heels from payless, feeding the unwanted baby while washing stained pastic dishes while bruises cover her arms. and i dont want to end up like one of those girls. i dont even want to end up in a situation half as drastic as that. i want to be with the one person who makes me happy and live in a house with a pickit fence, with nothing but adoration for my husband and my children.

i honestly and truely think i have found that boy. but we are both immature and uncapable of commitment, therefore it never works. and maybe one of these days it actually will. or maybe one of these days i will find someone compeltely new and i will feel a love and bliss like none other i have ever felt before.

and maybe i will just give up all together
...trailor homes cant be as bad as they seem. can they?

sometimes people get so caught up in their own happieness, they make everyone else around them unhappy. sometimes these people become selfish and dont even realize they are hurting their friends. they being to lie, and gossip, and their ego grows larger. they instantly blame their friends emotions on jealous while she sticks up her nose and rides away on her high horse. sometimes it takes times like these to realize that this person isnt really a true friend.

its 3:22. and i have nothing to show for what ive done throughout the day. i'm a bum who wakes up early just to call work and tell them im sick, just so i can sleep a few extra hours. and now i regret it, because ive been so stressed out about having enough money for my tat, and building up my bank account, that i throw away $40 that i could have earned by standing around a kitchen making sure the food was matched up with the order.
i need to think through my choices fully, so im not sitting here regretting my actions, like ive been finding myself do a lot lately. i shouldnt be living my life in regret and curiosity of what would have happen if i didnt make that decision.
i have to grow up and stop thinking that mom & dad will take care of everything. because ive learned the hard way that they cant. yeah, they fix my car and give me money and whatever else i ask for. but when i asked them to talk to my principal to try and get me to graduate with the rest of my class they couldnt. yeah they tried, but there was nothing they could do. i dug my grave, this this time i'll actually be laying in it. monday-thursday 8-9:45 for 6 weeks.
and even now. im sitting here regretting the time i spent in math class thinking "yeah. i should take some notes" but instead talkin on my phone or sleeping. i know i didnt prepare myself, and if i could i would go back and fix it all. but i cant. so i regret it.

i regret boys ive dated. a lot of boys ive dated. especially the one who just passed. i regret letting my guard down, and falling for him so easily again. i regret believeing his sweet talk, and i regret that i ever trusted him.
i regret rushing into almost every relationship i am in, and i regret my choice of words i often use after breakups, that usually lead into hate, and disgust between the two of us, ruining the possibility of there ever being a friendship.

i regret my jealous that often appears with not only boy friends just family and friends as well. i am a very jealous person and i try to change it, i just dont know how. i try to convince myself that im fine, but then it just starts to bottle up and i cant deal with that so i just let it all out, and piss people off.

maybe im living my whole life all wrong. maybe i should do the opposite of what i normally would do, and then maybe things would turn out much better.